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The New Parements of the Lectern

We are truly pleased to be able to deliver even greater comfort and safety for transposition in the form of a more astonishing Parement showcasing a secret turnkey solution that is discretely tailored to our mesmeric cravings.

– The Lectern

The Lectern is replacing its elder family of robust Parements. By offering substantially less volume than their conventional counterparts, new Parements guarantee an extraordinary experience across the Lectern.

The new Parements, commissioned from an unnamed manufacturer in an unnamable location, feature as standard a pro-microbial citrus*-eggshell membrane coating, a gimmick that is specifically tailored to the Lectern’s biothaumaturgical desires.

Both ends of the Parement’s inner shell are carefully punctured with a sterilised needle* and their contents blown into an earthenware bowl*. The Leatherman takes a red bandana* from his left back pocket and, using the same sterilised needle, gently inserts it into the Parementary shell. A lemon* is acquired from a knockdown retailer at an unbeatable price. The eggshell is inserted into on end of the reasonably-priced lemon. The bargain lemon is inserted into an orange*, and the orange into a grapefruit*. To save both time and money, all citrus fruits are acquired from the same deep-discounter. The grapefruit is then placed in the Parementary outershell – a YETI® Silo® 22.7 L Water Cooler* purchased off-the-shelf at a retailer chosen by two or more independent witnesses*. The Silo® is hung from the Lectern where it is under constant observation by two or more independent witnesses.

On arrival at its destination, under close supervision of two or more independent witnesses, the grapefruit is gently removed from the Silo® by an independent witness and carefully sliced open with a sharp knife*. Two butterflies fly out holding the red bandana and safely return it to the Leatherman’s rear pocket.

The Lectern has so far taken delivery of five new Parements. The remaining Parements on order – will join the Lectern soon.

* sterilised needle, earthenware bowl, red bandana, lemon, orange, grapefruit, YETI® Silo® 22.7 L Water Cooler, two or more independent witnesses and knife not included


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