The quest for a meaningful project and a user-friendly experience
Outline
- Introduction
- Needing help?
- Admitting a mistake
- Struggle leads to change
- Learnings
Introduction
After finally embarking on a journey in a single definite direction, it was natural to have doubts about the decision. As an overthinker, I expected doubts and embraced them, because I know they can lead to thoughtful refining and fresh ideas. But I did not expect a complete crisis and an elusion of all will to continue on a project that I designed. This was my academic baby, and a project I have thought about since May last year. Why did this come? Why couldn’t I even open the website editor without feeling nauseous? In this blog I will lead you through the struggle I experienced and what helped me get over the writer’s (or creator’s) slump.
Needing help?
Between February and March 2022, everything started going wrong. A war has broken out in Ukraine, just 90 kilometers from where my grandma lives in Košice, Slovakia. The chaos of a war in Europe spread like a plague, while we struggled to recover from a global pandemic. Of course, I am not here to talk about a war, but events in the outside world have a significant impact on how we think on the inside as well. A lot of feelings arose that I tried to repress and instead focus on my dissertation and my last project at this university. I was lucky enough to choose and design both myself and I was looking forward to the best part of my academic career. So why was everything going wrong?
I had no motivation left from last year and I felt like I am not strong enough to finish this – apply to my dream masters degrees, complete my dissertation, curate an exhibition, continue work to afford rent, not let down the small business where I’m a negligible unpaid intern and be a good daughter and support my parents in a tough time. Half way through March it all culminated when I had to take what I call a “compulsory break” while in isolation with Covid-19. This didn’t only mean I had to take a break from work (scary) but I also allowed myself to rest completely, despite the approaching deadlines. Spending time with myself was the best way to reconnect with what my body and mind needed and I was feeling balanced again (leaving out of course the current political situation).
Towards the end of my isolation, an involuntary but necessary call with my supervisor, Dylan, helped me feel better about the project. I was ready to focus again. I was ready to leave the past behind and concentrate on the necessary tasks to get me to graduation. But somehow, sketching the exhibition to a final version still didn’t feel right and I still wasn’t able to open and work in Carrd, the slightly underwhelming website builder I prepaid. I already reached out for help. What more did I need? It was then when I noted down in my notebook: “Who can help me?”. I picked my brain to see if I have any graphic designer friends or anyone who is art focused or good at “curating” to help me with the website and gain some new motivation. But as a 4th year, most of my friends are all equally stressed as me, working hard on their dissertation projects and other commitments. Surely no one has time for me at this moment?
Admitting a mistake
While I haven’t asked anybody, somehow I got what I needed. In a very tense call with a dear friend (who is a Computer Science student), I finally admitted that I have no idea what I’m doing and that the outlook for my exhibition is very bleak. He was the last person I would expect to help me, but he suggested I try Wix as it has more interactive features. I immediately argued that Wix is too expensive, because I have done my research on website builders, digital exhibition tools and web apps. However, it turns out Wix has a free plan that offers a lot more functionality than a paid Carrd plan. I couldn’t stop thinking how could this have happened! How could I have missed this! Why didn’t I spot this earlier, before I purchased the paid plan? Am I this stupid?
The next day I tried Wix, just because I was so desperate for a solution. I was overwhelmed by how much more I can do there without even embedding my own code that I instantly felt a new spark of motivation. Tiny, but it was there. I still felt like creatively the task is too big for me and I will never be proud of my work. A new existential crisis arose, due to thinking I might be too stupid for this school, but no Edinburgh University student probably graduates without a little bit of imposter syndrome. Admitting I made a mistake released a lot of hidden pressure and allowed me to start fresh. Recognizing the mistake – or the fact that the blame was on the website builder and not on my creativity – sooner would have saved me a lot of trouble later on. But, in the process, I learnt to look at where I am now and where I can go from there, instead of focusing on the mistakes in the past.
Struggle leads to change
Something I am including in my exhibition is a phrase “Struggle leads to change”. It is supposed to apply to the fight against conventional and harmful preconceptions in our society and parallel the fashion industry, but it is something I thought of after overcoming my writer’s slump. As I said in the introduction, I tend to be quite introspective and I knew I would have doubts to overcome in the process. The fact that there was a whole crisis wasn’t pleasant and it makes me want to avoid it in the future. And while not all mistakes can be avoided, I can try to be kinder to myself and allow myself to admit mistakes as they happen. Correcting the mistakes as they resurface might sound like a more turbulent approach but ultimately they will always be there and ignoring them will only make the process more painful. Sometimes, the hardest part is knowing the requirements and being aware of how my flaws will make it difficult to achieve the end result. But being calmly aware of it is what makes me overcome it.
After closing the crisis chapter (while keeping in mind the learnings), I have dedicated myself to provide what I wanted from the beginning. A meaningful resource to motivate positive change in people. While finally working on the digital version in Wix, I realized how excited I am to share my scientific perspective on the issue and even more so to provide engagement, interest and enjoyment. As opposed to Carrd, Wix has very flexible interactive features, and although it cannot do everything I wanted, the most important function – user interaction – is perfect. What is now left to do is make sure the content is meaningful to the audience and they feel comfortable engaging with the content. In the next blog, I will (re)answer some important questions about the project, learning and community needs, to make sure I am on track to create a useful and engaging digital exhibition.
Learnings
This chapter contains so many more learnings that I could have contained in the blog post. What stems from my story is that:
- I cannot provide motivation to other people when I lack it myself.
- To feel motivated, I need to take time for myself but also reach out to other people. Not always I need to ask for help, but sharing my struggle is a healthy way to get a different perspective.
- The only thing that matters is the situation I’m in now.
- All people make mistakes. Not all of them are avoidable, but working past them is important to stay sane.
