Queer Friendships, Not Marriage

Marriage, defined in terms of institutionalised procreative heterosexuality, is one of the few rights which has attained nearly universal consensus (Borneman, 1996). In most countries throughout the world, the ‘right to found a family’ through marriage is explicitly protected (ibid). Equally, marriage is often the centre of people’s lives; significant life processes such as sexuality, property, parenthood often depend upon a married partner. Representations of marriage further depict it as the most important process in one’s life. The institution of marriage is privileged within policy and people’s lives due to it’s critical role in forming hierarchies of power. Marriage is a normative site of citizenship production which determines the bounds of membership and national belonging (Brandzel, 2005). In the 2005 article ‘Queering Citizenship’ by Amy Brandzel, she made the argument that the debate surrounding gay marriage is the primary site of anxieties surrounding homosexuality and the bounds of citizenship. Since the 2015 legalisation of same-sex marriage, many LGBT+ activists view this ruling as a move towards full equality however only the most privileged gays and lesbians have truly benefitted from access to this institution.

Borneman (1996) critiques the centrality of marriage within anthropological discourse and the exclusion which takes place through the use of marriage as a universal equivalent. He argues that ‘marriage operates through exclusionary means, such that the human is produced… through a set of foreclosures, radical erasures, that are strictly speaking, refused the possibility of cultural articulation’ (Borneman, 1996: 217). Instead, the focus should be on processes of voluntary affiliation; anthropology should focus on care and being cared for. In contrast to marriage, care can be something which works outside of the state and legal system. Indeed, my most significant relationships are those outside of the normative family model.

In the Atlantic article, ‘What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Centre of Life?’, Rhaina Cohen spoke about this privileging of marriage within society and people’s lives. Whilst the article only briefly mentions queer people, marriage is not at the centre of queer lives. Where heteronormative relationships reproduce societal structures and hierarchies of power, queer relationships subvert these through the very nature of ‘deviant’ sexualities. For queer people – friendship, not marriage, is at the centre of our lives. Queer people form sites of care outside of the nuclear family, of which they are excluded. To focus on queer intimacy and care is to centre queer friendships, rather than marriage.

The relationships of significance for queer people are relationships which exist outside of normative, institutionalised and state defined relationships. The Atlantic article describes the possibility of friendships occupying roles that are typically confined to marriages, to lead a more fulfilling life, however, queer people have had to imagine networks of care beyond the nuclear family. The beautifully intimate friendships depicted, in the article, recall my own friendships which exist in my life as a chosen family. These sites of care offers the safety, companionship, support and kindness that cannot be found elsewhere.

Borneman, J. (1996) Until Death Do Us Part: Marriage/Death in Anthropological Discourse. American Ethnologist. 23(2), pp. 215-235

Borneman, J. (2001) Caring and To Be Cared For: Displacing Marriage, Kinship, Gender, and Sexuality. The Ethics of Kinship . pp. 29-46

Brandzel, A. L. (2005) Queering Citizenship? Same-Sex Marriage and the State. A Journal of Lesbian and Gay Studies. 11 (2) pp. 171-204