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“The Gentle Art of Making Enemas”, Green Margarine (Lapland), Glasgow: Glasgow School of Art.

Persona: Cornelius and Dr. Ink
Scene: The souvenir shop in the Hunterian Art Gallery, Glasgow.
Cornelius (coming in through the spin doors). My dear Dr. Ink, don’t coop yourself up all day in the shop. It is a perfectly lovely afternoon. Let us go and lie on the grass, and enjoy Nature.
DR INK (tossing a half eaten kebab to Cornelius’ flip-flopped feet) Enjoy Nature! I am glad to say that I have entirely lost that faculty ever since my package holiday in Spain fell through due to no image-nation. If some brat thinks they can convince you with appearance, give champagne glass immediately to them and start to play piano. My dear Cornelius, it is always she-bred strange people who really start well in sensible positions and then have tremendous historical impact. One really must take the “L” out of play, and teach Nature her proper place. This Glasgow Boys pencil case that I hold now in my palm decries the imperfection of mud and grass; there is more variety and cultivation to be found in this tea towel of Mackintosh toothpicks. As for this Whistler’s Motherfucka baseball cap, I am quite speechless.
Cornelius How did you get this far?
DR INK (wiping his fingers on Cornelius’ Fred Perry) First class.
Cornelius Well, you need not look at the landscape. You can lie on the grass and smoke and talk.
DR INK Indoors I must bode to fill in my pools coupon in of conte of colour of mauve conte in manoeuvre of openly predatory tactical exaggeration. You may almost enough young person to know all, but surely these recent murders you commit are obviously ironic? You are a committee cul-de-sac down that handsome ideas lured and calmly are strangled. I wear only wear fake beards to mock women’s lack of facial follicles.
Cornelius Do you feel pain at other people’s misfortunes?
DR INK Only when I laugh.
Cornelius My dear fellow!
DR INK (downs a bottle of Hooch) Man vs. Cock. I only have eyes for left wing hot properties. They are hip, you are hop. Kant might disagree, but it’s okay to lie to murderers and gossip columnists in self-defence.
Cornelius Lying! I should have thought that our politicians kept up that habit.
DR INK Avoid arguments, Cornelius. Do not fuck us. Go from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. Create a ginger and avocado scented zeitgeist. The auto teller is mother of invention. Every artist is a person. Seek out a witch whose effete personal aesthetic permeates every aspect of cockatoo-shaped local shopping precinct. Take the “R” out of free. Television will enable you to be entertained in your fine-tuned home by Northern white crap that talks back. Fall not in love; it will stick to your face. It’s easier to ride horse in the direction it’s going, also armed of pistol.
Cornelius (toying uncomfortably with is swingball racket) Surely you can’t mean this? You should be blackballed on the ground of animal spirits.
DR INK We are. That is one of the objects of a club with no members. Now, if you promise not to interrupt too often, I will read you my article.
Cornelius. You will find me all attention.
DR INK I know the nature make ya want to take prophylactics, so buy a bucket ’cause this is the reductio ad absurdum of practice. I’m coming, it’s my album, and for the record, meaning my record, check it. While I’m getting candid, now understand it, art is mainly new form of ugliness. Alter the eminence of al fresco every six months, create something first by creating nothing. Yella’s on the drum roll, rocking the beat, hey yo Ink, where are you gonna take this shit man?
Cornelius (Interrupting) Hey yo, let’s take it to the street, word up, um….. This makes no sense at all dear fellow. Give me a cigarette. Thanks. By the way, what magazine do you intend it for?
DR INK For the Evening Times. I think I told you that the elect had revived it.
Cornelius Whom do you mean by “the elect”?
DR INK (taking off his dark sunglasses to reveal another pair of sunglasses) Oh, It is a club to which I do not belong. We are supposed to wear the black hat ’cause I worn this ’cause it’s like enormous. Some shit, I don’t take it, not even in a toilet. I am afraid you are not eligible. You are too fond of simple pleasures. On the Carlo Mollino coffee table is where you would place a bowl of individually wrapped, expensive chocolates to sedate the unaware. I only employ filthy red meat in the correct, favourable light. Not joining clubs that have other people as members is, of course, essential. Be vulgar and wash your hands after.
Cornelius Are hands not part of nature?
DR INK One should only use hands to sign paintings, cheques, or autographs. If God had not meant man to fly, he would not have died in 18th century. Biography lends a new terror to the genuine dead white crap article. Penis mightier than sword.
Cornelius Did God intend man to paint?
DR INK He intended man to try his utmost to create paintings that would offend psychoanalysts.
Cornelius Should one use models?
DR INK Only after the painting is finished.
Cornelius And what of the art here in the Hunterian?
DR INK (crunching on a Pepperami flavoured McVitie’s Mini Cheddar) Art!? This Paolozzi prefab is for jobless dopes. Glasgow was discovered before St Mungo, but hushed up. Departing the city, you see how high its chimneys rise above the houses, then remember leaving on the oven. Now, time is drawing in. We must cultivate the doctrines of the new aesthetics at once. You had better go back to your wearisome, uncomfortable Nature, and leave me in peace while I shove this length of hosepipe right up my arse.


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