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Mainstream:Turning Piss into Lager Since 1997

Sometimes it’s hard to find time to sit down and write to people who really matter. That’s why each year, when the time comes around to write this message to you, I ask my ghost writer to try hard to put into it all the gratitude I am supposed to feel towards the publishers of Mainstream. The centre-right networked cultural oligarchy tells me that Friday 26th October 1997 is this year’s date that will be forever etched on our minds. Giotto’s famous frescos of St Francis and Jesus’ mother and Issue 1 of Mainstream, the greatest icons of history, were dead. Glaswegian culture vultures crop-top rhinoplasty-faced Alex Pollard and dark-haired long-shanked Iain Hetherington were on a research visit when the big one hit. They really like clothes; they get off on them. Shoes and gold chains are two of the only reasons they love researching work in Italy. They take an empty suitcase with them so they can pick up about ten pairs on shoes and forty gold chains. They love their shoes and chains, they’re so conformable and they’re usually way ahead of the fashion here. While in Italy they also go about awkwardly authentic practices to satisfy the home fan-base, masturbating over jilted bouquets and seeking the ultimate early Renaissance rice recipes. First of all, they went to Florence, y’know what I’m sayin – that’s where the long-grain types are grown. Then, after they gets to Florence and gets them a bag of that motherfuckin rice, y’know what I’m sayin, then they takes it all over to the Assisi cause they got all the vegetables to go with the bitchin rice! They arrived at the train station at Santa Maria degli Angeli and hopped into a limo. They mixed your peas, your corn and all that stuff with the rice and made it nice! I’m tryin to tell ya right now! After washing down their pilau with Christal champagne, they headed off to distribute all known copies of Mainstream Issue 1 to the faithful of St Francis of Assisi. The pusillanimous duo had just turned their back on the Kirk when the rockin Almighty recklessly severed Giotto’s drawing of his daughter in law’s praying duke. They ran for cover as the broken basilica bit the bullet. By tragic twist of fate Mainstream Issue 1 seemed to discover its true identity in the last moments of its life, a jiffy before being tragically ripped into countless black and white confetti mixed in a vortex of pastel pigmented parts. As earthquakes ravaged central Italy, and the death toll of non-Britons rose, the zine never looked so venerable and divine. Although it will continue to feature in folklore, it was the beauty of the drawing and indomitable spirit of the handwriting that shone through.


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