upon reading my last post again i realise i ended the post rather abruptly and aggressively.
Wheh I said “I’m going to cut these bitches up and stick em all over the shop.” I meant I’m changing my route and going to begin collaging my paintings and drawings and completing the projects I had before covid hit.
I really lost my way since leaving the studio and thought abandoning my practices and focusing on generating work on my present state would be successful in capturing my struggles during this historical and difficult period, however I’ve realised I’m not ready. It’s all still raw and still painful and i’m in the process of getting the recourses from the nhs to help me with day to day life but the waiting list is so long.
Art has always been a great coping mechanism for me, always playing as a subconscious therapy you could say. I’ve been focusing too much on capturing my current surroundings and i’m now realising i don’t have the current support system in place to constantly be capturing and observing this awful perception i have of the world right now.
I enjoyed some of my past work and I just left it all in such a panicked state. And that panicked state has stayed with me this whole time and I’m going to go back.
Not wanting to dismiss the world around me though my processes will be thorough yet in the moment, I plan to become inspired by my old work by dismantling my favourite elements and motifs in my paintings and sketches and experience the experimentation process in collating them and reworking them with paint and ink and pencils. I also plan to work with the “scraps” of my paintings to observe what potential and telling narrative can become of them, as not waste any.
I think this is the healthier process for me to take and my handling of the world right now and managing my academic output. I need to retreat back to where I was for a while as I found great enjoyment from some of the work I was creating last year. But who knows, with my consistency in inconsistency perhaps I will come back to processing the pandemic in a more cathartic and not as upsetting way at some point in the future.
🙂 (i’m so close to dropping out again why does this feel like first year all over again)
